It's been a while since I have written. I still miss my precious baby so much. I still wish that at this moment I could proudly say that I was 7 weeks pregnant. But I can't. I wish I knew if my baby was a boy or a girl. I wish he or she was not in Heaven with God. I wish I could say that I don't still cry over the loss of our sweet little one...but I do.
I still so badly want a child that is from my womb but unless God chooses to perform a miracle I know that will never happen. I have done a lot of thinking over this last month. I have realized that as badly as I want to give birth to my child I just plainly want to be a mommy. Chris and I have talked about adoption in recent days. As we have talked though I told him that I will never give up my dream to give birth to OUR child, but the reality is that if we want to be parents we need to start seriously looking into adoption. Even while I say that I don't even really know how in the world we would do it. We have NO MORE money to spend. We are just barely getting by with the bills we do have there is no way we can add one more to it. For now a child is just a prayer and a dream. It seems so unobtainable!!
I shared our story with a friend from church and asked her to pray for us. She said that maybe we had to go through these very steps in order to get the perfect baby for us (whether through adoption or birth). She told me that I needed to believe that God would perform a miracle. While it bothers me when people tell me what I need to do, since they have NO idea what it feels like; I knew she was right. I have gone through several periods of belief and non belief in what God was going to do for Chris and I. I so strongly believe that my one and only pregnancy was going to bring about a healthy set of twins that I find it hard to believe in a miracle. I'm sure that one day I will but right now, just to be honest, I can't make myself. Maybe when more time has passed I can.
I am so afraid that I won't love an adopted child like I would love a child birthed from me. I told Chris that even though I was for overseas adoption I don't know so much now because I want to have a bond with our child if it's not going to be biologically ours and I feel that the best way to achieve that is by getting them when they are born. I don't think I could handle bringing home a one year old or older who wanted to have nothing to do with me. I also don't want to miss out on milestones since I'm already missing out on so many by not having my own biological child. I will never know what it feels like to hear their heartbeat while in my womb.I will never know what it feels like to have my baby move around inside of me. I will never know what it feels like to have them lay on my chest right after they are born. These are things that I always assumed I'd know. I am sad over the fact that I may never know these things.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
My Thoughts
Unless you've been through exactly my situation where you've been told you'll only get pregnant by use of IVF and you've done 2 cycles using all your money and all your embryos and you get pregnant only to loose the baby 3 days after you found out you were pregnant. You have no idea how I feel. I am looking at the possibility of never being what I thought I was a called to be: a mommy.
I don't understand why it is that there are so many people who get the privilege of being called mommy but yet take it for granted. We have done everything in our power to try to become parents, I have been buying baby "stuff" for 2 1/2 years ever since we started trying to conceive and now I wonder: Am I never going to be allowed to use it?
I also don't understand why people who don't live for God are allowed to have babies but people who talk about how they are going to teach their children the ways of God before they are even conceived have such difficulty having them.
I know that there is a reason that all this happened. That maybe I may be able to reach out to someone struggling in the same area or we may be able to reach out to another couple. But I want to be selfish, I don't want to help someone else. Not if it means that I had to loose the only baby I may ever be pregnant with.
Why is it that it seems as though every teenager who has sex gets pregnant but at 29 after being married 6 years I can't.
I know that God says in the Bible that He will never give you more than He has equipped you to handle but come on God. I've had it!!! How am I supposed to make it through this????
I thought I could go to work today but I teach 5 year olds. I have to act happy in front of them. I am just not ready to "put on my happy" face and pretend like nothing never happened. I would prefer to never smile again and hate being fake but like it or not I have to go back to work Monday. I will have to pretend that every thing's OK whether I want to or not. Quite honestly I'd be OK if I never taught again but unfortunately I don't have another job lined up and I signed a contract so I have to do it this year at least. Going back to work brings on a whole new set of anxiety and sadness. I have to see children 5 days a week. CHILDREN!! I have to see what I want so badly but have been denied. I also get the "pleasure" of seeing those children whose parents don't care for them and wish that they didn't have to care of them and it just reminds me of how unfair and unjust the world is.
I want to know why is it that all 5 of my embryos supposedly had chromosomal defect that either prevented them from implanting or from growing into a healthy baby. All 5!! Why couldn't one have been OK.
I want to know why God provided all but $300 for this last transfer if He wasn't going to allow it to work.
I know all the things I need to know like God loves me, He has a plan for your life, He may have something out there better for you and when you look back you'll understand why this happened. Right now I don't care about all that. Right now I'm hurting. I'm missing a baby I thought I would be holding in May. I'm thinking about what I should do with all the baby stuff I have collected over the years. Do I keep it with the hopes that ONE day God is going to give me a baby? or do I get rid of it because He may never give me one?
For anyone who reads this and would like to criticize I need you to understand that I have always wanted to be a wife and mother my whole life. I wanted a family to serve. I wanted to have family dinners, family devotions, and family vacations. I wanted little "bow heads" who I could put smocked dresses on and braid their hair. I wanted little ones that I could make cookies with and cupcakes for on their birthdays. I wanted to watch them play outside in their tree house and have a passion for the outdoors like I did when I was little. I wanted to see them crawling and laughing as Bella was chasing them down the hall. I wanted to see them cuddle with Bella because she LOVES kids. Right now I realize that it is possible that I may never see that and that is where I'm at right now.
I know that I won't die from this and I won't always be sad but it feels like the pain will never go away.
I don't understand why it is that there are so many people who get the privilege of being called mommy but yet take it for granted. We have done everything in our power to try to become parents, I have been buying baby "stuff" for 2 1/2 years ever since we started trying to conceive and now I wonder: Am I never going to be allowed to use it?
I also don't understand why people who don't live for God are allowed to have babies but people who talk about how they are going to teach their children the ways of God before they are even conceived have such difficulty having them.
I know that there is a reason that all this happened. That maybe I may be able to reach out to someone struggling in the same area or we may be able to reach out to another couple. But I want to be selfish, I don't want to help someone else. Not if it means that I had to loose the only baby I may ever be pregnant with.
Why is it that it seems as though every teenager who has sex gets pregnant but at 29 after being married 6 years I can't.
I know that God says in the Bible that He will never give you more than He has equipped you to handle but come on God. I've had it!!! How am I supposed to make it through this????
I thought I could go to work today but I teach 5 year olds. I have to act happy in front of them. I am just not ready to "put on my happy" face and pretend like nothing never happened. I would prefer to never smile again and hate being fake but like it or not I have to go back to work Monday. I will have to pretend that every thing's OK whether I want to or not. Quite honestly I'd be OK if I never taught again but unfortunately I don't have another job lined up and I signed a contract so I have to do it this year at least. Going back to work brings on a whole new set of anxiety and sadness. I have to see children 5 days a week. CHILDREN!! I have to see what I want so badly but have been denied. I also get the "pleasure" of seeing those children whose parents don't care for them and wish that they didn't have to care of them and it just reminds me of how unfair and unjust the world is.
I want to know why is it that all 5 of my embryos supposedly had chromosomal defect that either prevented them from implanting or from growing into a healthy baby. All 5!! Why couldn't one have been OK.
I want to know why God provided all but $300 for this last transfer if He wasn't going to allow it to work.
I know all the things I need to know like God loves me, He has a plan for your life, He may have something out there better for you and when you look back you'll understand why this happened. Right now I don't care about all that. Right now I'm hurting. I'm missing a baby I thought I would be holding in May. I'm thinking about what I should do with all the baby stuff I have collected over the years. Do I keep it with the hopes that ONE day God is going to give me a baby? or do I get rid of it because He may never give me one?
For anyone who reads this and would like to criticize I need you to understand that I have always wanted to be a wife and mother my whole life. I wanted a family to serve. I wanted to have family dinners, family devotions, and family vacations. I wanted little "bow heads" who I could put smocked dresses on and braid their hair. I wanted little ones that I could make cookies with and cupcakes for on their birthdays. I wanted to watch them play outside in their tree house and have a passion for the outdoors like I did when I was little. I wanted to see them crawling and laughing as Bella was chasing them down the hall. I wanted to see them cuddle with Bella because she LOVES kids. Right now I realize that it is possible that I may never see that and that is where I'm at right now.
I know that I won't die from this and I won't always be sad but it feels like the pain will never go away.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Worst News Ever
After going to the doctor and giving blood yesterday they called and said that my HCG levels were at less than 1. So I lost the pregnancy. We have never been through anything more devastating than what we have been through since Sunday. We had the highest of highs Sunday and Monday thinking we were pregnant. Then Tuesday with the news from the doctor we got scared and then Wednesday our fears were confirmed. What makes this so hard is that we used our last embryos and we don't have anymore money to go through IVF again at least not for a long while. Which means our hopes of being a mommy and daddy seem farther and farther away. While we haven't lost our faith we are wondering where God is in all this. We feel as though He has deserted us. We know that He hasn't but that's the way we feel. Surely it can only get better from here but I feel as though I will always hurt.
My sweet doctor called this morning to say that he was sorry for our loss and that is was probably a biochemical pregnancy. I looked up what a biochemical pregnancy is and copied this from another doctor's blog:
The definition of a biochemical pregnancy is a pregnancy that stops growing before it is large enough to be seen on ultrasound. It’s a very early miscarriage. The causes are the same as for any miscarriage. By far, the most common reason is that the embryo is genetically abnormal, that is it doesn’t have the right number of chromosomes. And although it has the tools to grow for a while, as the embryo grows and needs to become more complex, the tools run out and the embryo can grow no more.
Right now we just need lots of prayers. We are trying to figure why God would not allow a baby to be born to us. We would have taught this baby about Him and how to live a life for Christ and honestly were excited to do it. We just have great difficulty understanding why God wouldn't allow it for us but He allows it for other who do not have that passion for Him. Don't know that we will ever understand this.
My sweet doctor called this morning to say that he was sorry for our loss and that is was probably a biochemical pregnancy. I looked up what a biochemical pregnancy is and copied this from another doctor's blog:
The definition of a biochemical pregnancy is a pregnancy that stops growing before it is large enough to be seen on ultrasound. It’s a very early miscarriage. The causes are the same as for any miscarriage. By far, the most common reason is that the embryo is genetically abnormal, that is it doesn’t have the right number of chromosomes. And although it has the tools to grow for a while, as the embryo grows and needs to become more complex, the tools run out and the embryo can grow no more.
Right now we just need lots of prayers. We are trying to figure why God would not allow a baby to be born to us. We would have taught this baby about Him and how to live a life for Christ and honestly were excited to do it. We just have great difficulty understanding why God wouldn't allow it for us but He allows it for other who do not have that passion for Him. Don't know that we will ever understand this.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Praying for a miracle
Well I cheated and took a pregnancy test this past Sunday and it was POSITIVE!! We were so excited (so excited I almost threw up) that we called all the people that were praying for us and told them the good news.
Today was the day we were to find out from the doctor so I called during my lunch break to find out the good news. I was expecting to hear, "Girl your HCG is so high you might be having twins!" Well the news that I actually heard was very far from that. I gave blood 11 days past transfer and my HCG was only 15.7. They expect it to be 80-100. My estrogen was fine but my progesterone was 29.1 and it has always been at least 60, they just want it to be at least 40.
So here are some scenarios:
1. I could be loosing the pregnancy because when your progesterone drops and your HCG is on the low side it could often mean that.
2. My embryos could have implanted later. Although it doesn't happen often it can happen, since they were frozen. So this would make my levels lowers if they haven't been implanted long.
3. I may just have low levels and have a perfectly healthy baby. My nurse and doctor were talking about someone that that happened to about a year ago.
My recheck appointment has been moved to tomorrow instead of Thursday. My principal sent me home from school today and told me not to come back until Thursday so that I could take care of myself. She cried with me too.
The doctor called me in some progesterone suppositories to try to raise my progesterone levels in attempt to keep the pregnancy and they will call me tomorrow with the details of my bloodwork.
The doctor hasn't given up yet and is determined to try to save my baby.
The thought has come across my mind, "God why would you allow me to become pregnant only to let me loose the baby?" My hope and prayer is that He is going to use this to impact the story of my baby's birth and that I will still come home with a baby in 9 months.
I pray in Jesus' name that God will work a miracle and spare my baby's life and bless us as parents.
Today was the day we were to find out from the doctor so I called during my lunch break to find out the good news. I was expecting to hear, "Girl your HCG is so high you might be having twins!" Well the news that I actually heard was very far from that. I gave blood 11 days past transfer and my HCG was only 15.7. They expect it to be 80-100. My estrogen was fine but my progesterone was 29.1 and it has always been at least 60, they just want it to be at least 40.
So here are some scenarios:
1. I could be loosing the pregnancy because when your progesterone drops and your HCG is on the low side it could often mean that.
2. My embryos could have implanted later. Although it doesn't happen often it can happen, since they were frozen. So this would make my levels lowers if they haven't been implanted long.
3. I may just have low levels and have a perfectly healthy baby. My nurse and doctor were talking about someone that that happened to about a year ago.
My recheck appointment has been moved to tomorrow instead of Thursday. My principal sent me home from school today and told me not to come back until Thursday so that I could take care of myself. She cried with me too.
The doctor called me in some progesterone suppositories to try to raise my progesterone levels in attempt to keep the pregnancy and they will call me tomorrow with the details of my bloodwork.
The doctor hasn't given up yet and is determined to try to save my baby.
The thought has come across my mind, "God why would you allow me to become pregnant only to let me loose the baby?" My hope and prayer is that He is going to use this to impact the story of my baby's birth and that I will still come home with a baby in 9 months.
I pray in Jesus' name that God will work a miracle and spare my baby's life and bless us as parents.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Just waiting
We had our embryo transfer this past Thursday, August 5th. We transferred 3 embryos, which I do NOT regret. We got pictures of the three embryos. Dr. P said one looked really good, one looked pretty good, and one looked ok. I am so glad that Dr. P did our transfer. First of all he's my favorite of the two doctors but I also felt like he made sure that the embryos were being deposited exactly where they needed to be and I didn't have that feeling with Dr. N the last time. The last time my bladder was too full and he really couldn't see where the catheter was. It worried me so much that I questioned the nurse about it after the procedure. Dr. P even gave me an ultrasound picture of where the embryos were deposited. I feel much better about the procedure this time.
Now we are in the dreaded two week wait period!!! We have decided that I will go to the doctor Monday, August 16 and give blood after school. They will not call us with the results until the following day. We are praying hard over the these babies and begging God to make us the parents we so long to be!!!
Now we are in the dreaded two week wait period!!! We have decided that I will go to the doctor Monday, August 16 and give blood after school. They will not call us with the results until the following day. We are praying hard over the these babies and begging God to make us the parents we so long to be!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)