It's Been a While

It's been a while since I have written. I still miss my precious baby so much. I still wish that at this moment I could proudly say that I was 7 weeks pregnant. But I can't. I wish I knew if my baby was a boy or a girl. I wish he or she was not in Heaven with God. I wish I could say that I don't still cry over the loss of our sweet little one...but I do.
I still so badly want a child that is from my womb but unless God chooses to perform a miracle I know that will never happen. I have done a lot of thinking over this last month. I have realized that as badly as I want to give birth to my child I just plainly want to be a mommy. Chris and I have talked about adoption in recent days. As we have talked though I told him that I will never give up my dream to give birth to OUR child, but the reality is that if we want to be parents we need to start seriously looking into adoption. Even while I say that I don't even really know how in the world we would do it. We have NO MORE money to spend. We are just barely getting by with the bills we do have there is no way we can add one more to it. For now a child is just a prayer and a dream. It seems so unobtainable!!
I shared our story with a friend from church and asked her to pray for us. She said that maybe we had to go through these very steps in order to get the perfect baby for us (whether through adoption or birth). She told me that I needed to believe that God would perform a miracle. While it bothers me when people tell me what I need to do, since they have NO idea what it feels like; I knew she was right. I have gone through several periods of belief and non belief in what God was going to do for Chris and I. I so strongly believe that my one and only pregnancy was going to bring about a healthy set of twins that I find it hard to believe in a miracle. I'm sure that one day I will but right now, just to be honest, I can't make myself. Maybe when more time has passed I can.
I am so afraid that I won't love an adopted child like I would love a child birthed from me. I told Chris that even though I was for overseas adoption I don't know so much now because I want to have a bond with our child if it's not going to be biologically ours and I feel that the best way to achieve that is by getting them when they are born. I don't think I could handle bringing home a one year old or older who wanted to have nothing to do with me. I also don't want to miss out on milestones since I'm already missing out on so many by not having my own biological child. I will never know what it feels like to hear their heartbeat while in my womb.I will never know what it feels like to have my baby move around inside of me. I will never know what it feels like to have them lay on my chest right after they are born. These are things that I always assumed I'd know. I am sad over the fact that I may never know these things.