My Thoughts

Unless you've been through exactly my situation where you've been told you'll only get pregnant by use of IVF and you've done 2 cycles using all your money and all your embryos and you get pregnant only to loose the baby 3 days after you found out you were pregnant. You have no idea how I feel. I am looking at the possibility of never being what I thought I was a called to be: a mommy.
I don't understand why it is that there are so many people who get the privilege of being called mommy but yet take it for granted. We have done everything in our power to try to become parents, I have been buying baby "stuff" for 2 1/2 years ever since we started trying to conceive and now I wonder: Am I never going to be allowed to use it?
I also don't understand why people who don't live for God are allowed to have babies but people who talk about how they are going to teach their children the ways of God before they are even conceived have such difficulty having them.
I know that there is a reason that all this happened. That maybe I may be able to reach out to someone struggling in the same area or we may be able to reach out to another couple. But I want to be selfish, I don't want to help someone else. Not if it means that I had to loose the only baby I may ever be pregnant with.
Why is it that it seems as though every teenager who has sex gets pregnant but at 29 after being married 6 years I can't.
I know that God says in the Bible that He will never give you more than He has equipped you to handle but come on God. I've had it!!! How am I supposed to make it through this????
I thought I could go to work today but I teach 5 year olds. I have to act happy in front of them. I am just not ready to "put on my happy" face and pretend like nothing never happened. I would prefer to never smile again and hate being fake but like it or not I have to go back to work Monday. I will have to pretend that every thing's OK whether I want to or not. Quite honestly I'd be OK if I never taught again but unfortunately I don't have another job lined up and I signed a contract so I have to do it this year at least. Going back to work brings on a whole new set of anxiety and sadness. I have to see children 5 days a week. CHILDREN!! I have to see what I want so badly but have been denied. I also get the "pleasure" of seeing those children whose parents don't care for them and wish that they didn't have to care of them and it just reminds me of how unfair and unjust the world is.
I want to know why is it that all 5 of my embryos supposedly had chromosomal defect that either prevented them from implanting or from growing into a healthy baby. All 5!! Why couldn't one have been OK.
I want to know why God provided all but $300 for this last transfer if He wasn't going to allow it to work.
I know all the things I need to know like God loves me, He has a plan for your life, He may have something out there better for you and when you look back you'll understand why this happened. Right now I don't care about all that. Right now I'm hurting. I'm missing a baby I thought I would be holding in May. I'm thinking about what I should do with all the baby stuff I have collected over the years. Do I keep it with the hopes that ONE day God is going to give me a baby? or do I get rid of it because He may never give me one?
For anyone who reads this and would like to criticize I need you to understand that I have always wanted to be a wife and mother my whole life. I wanted a family to serve. I wanted to have family dinners, family devotions, and family vacations. I wanted little "bow heads" who I could put smocked dresses on and braid their hair. I wanted little ones that I could make cookies with and cupcakes for on their birthdays. I wanted to watch them play outside in their tree house and have a passion for the outdoors like I did when I was little. I wanted to see them crawling and laughing as Bella was chasing them down the hall. I wanted to see them cuddle with Bella because she LOVES kids. Right now I realize that it is possible that I may never see that and that is where I'm at right now.
I know that I won't die from this and I won't always be sad but it feels like the pain will never go away.