We are well into our second cycle of IVF. On Friday I up my estrogen patches to 2 at a time and Saturday (our anniversary) I go in for an ultrasound to make sure things are looking good. Truthfully I don't expect any bad news. Everything looked good on our last cycle until it was time to do our pregnancy test. I have struggled with SEVERE anxiety most of my life. Even from the time I was a child, my parents didn't realize it and just thought I was an abnormally scared child. They felt terribly guilty after I was an adult and went to the doctor and realized that I truly have a chemical imbalance which results in severe anxiety. The last two weeks have been horrible for me because of this anxiety. I have been off my medicine for 2 and a half years because we were trying to get pregnant and you can tell I'm not on my meds anymore. My fertility doctors assure me that the medicine I was on would not harm my baby, if were to get pregnant, but my family doctor prefers I not use them. I believe that I am going to have to go back on them. I have had 2 panic attacks in the last 2 weeks and such severe anxiety at night that I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep.
I have kind of stopped worrying about how many babies could result from our next cycle and have taken on the "responsibility" of worrying solely about whether it will work or not. I am SOOOOOO afraid that we are going to go through all of this and have no babies. Chris says that that is my pessimistic side shining through. He is right but I just know that God doesn't have to bless us with this. He makes no promises that all women will give birth to healthy babies, despite what measures we go to. He may have a life planned for me without children. While right now that kind of life makes my heart ache, He knows that it would be a perfect plan. On the flip side He also may say this cycle is going to work and we would be thrilled. It's the not knowing that stresses me out so much.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Prayer
Dear God,
I wanted to say I'm sorry for my attitude for the last few days. I know that it's OK to be mad at You but the way I handled my anger was not. You see Chris and I want a baby so desperately. A biological baby at that. We have already had one failed IVF cycle (after 2 years of trying) and I'm afraid that this last one might be too. Not because You're not capable of allowing it to work but because it may not be in Your will. God I beg of you to allow this IVF cycle to work. I am pleading with all that I have for You to give us a biological child and to allow this to work. I know that even if it doesn't work that You are still God and You are still on Your throne. I know that You won't be surprised by what happens, good or bad (in our eyes), and that whatever happens is Your will but God again I come to you and ask you to open my womb and bless us with the children we have been longing for. Thank you for all the people that have been praying for us and have loved on us during this difficult time. We know that they are sent by you and really thank you isn't quite adequate enough but it's the best thing I know to say. At times when we couldn't pray for ourselves they were praying for us and have been praying with us. Thank you for allowing me to be a child of God because I know that if I wasn't I would surely not have gotten through the heart ache that still comes and goes from knowing the last IVF failed. I love you and I know You love me more than I can understand.
Hope
I wanted to say I'm sorry for my attitude for the last few days. I know that it's OK to be mad at You but the way I handled my anger was not. You see Chris and I want a baby so desperately. A biological baby at that. We have already had one failed IVF cycle (after 2 years of trying) and I'm afraid that this last one might be too. Not because You're not capable of allowing it to work but because it may not be in Your will. God I beg of you to allow this IVF cycle to work. I am pleading with all that I have for You to give us a biological child and to allow this to work. I know that even if it doesn't work that You are still God and You are still on Your throne. I know that You won't be surprised by what happens, good or bad (in our eyes), and that whatever happens is Your will but God again I come to you and ask you to open my womb and bless us with the children we have been longing for. Thank you for all the people that have been praying for us and have loved on us during this difficult time. We know that they are sent by you and really thank you isn't quite adequate enough but it's the best thing I know to say. At times when we couldn't pray for ourselves they were praying for us and have been praying with us. Thank you for allowing me to be a child of God because I know that if I wasn't I would surely not have gotten through the heart ache that still comes and goes from knowing the last IVF failed. I love you and I know You love me more than I can understand.
Hope
God's Word
We have some friends who have been on the mission field and had four miscarriages before finally giving birth to their daughter just a week ago (here in the states so everyone can see her in person). They had a very difficult time and tried to conceive for three years before finally being successful. The following verses helped them to get through the loss of so many babies and I wanted to post it so that I could refer to it often also.
Matthew 11:28-30 (The message)
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
(NASB version)
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30 (The message)
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
(NASB version)
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Sunday, July 11, 2010
One of Those Days
Today was a hard day for me. Don't know why. Sometimes it just hits me. I have had a very difficult time with this session of getting ready for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). It's because I am so afraid I am going to see yet one more negative pregnancy test. The last time I said I didn't know what I was going to do if it was negative. Well...it was negative and I didn't die and I didn't go into a deep dark depression and well...technically I have made it through. So I can't say I don't know what I will do if it's negative again because as the last time I will make it through one day, one hour, one minute, and one second at a time. No it won't be easy especially since it will be our last attempt at trying to get pregnant, but I will live and I will continue to breathe.
Here lately I have been very optimistic that it was going to work this time. I even said to someone, "How can God not make it work this time?" As if I deserve for Him to make it work. I guess I came to a realization that no He really doesn't have to make it work. He could actually cause it not to work and that is where my bad day has come from. I read an article several months ago from a Christian couple who also had infertility problems and ended up having to adopt their children. They said that no where in the Bible does God promise us that we will have children. It is a blessing and a privilege but NOT a promise. I guess I have been dwelling on that a little too much lately because I am so afraid that I am going to miss out on that privilege and blessing. I know that if we don't get pregnant that yes it is possible that God will still bless us with children either through a miraculous pregnancy or adoption but I will know, for now, that we will continue to remain childless.
I kept a friends 2 month old one day last week and when Chris came home he said, "Now that's a sight I could get used to." because we were laying in the floor playing with Bella. It broke my heart because I don't know if we will ever see that.
While I don't know what God's will is for us in this situation I leave with this verse:
1 John 5:14
This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
Dear Lord,
You know the desires of my heart. It is to have a baby, a biological baby that I can feel kick in my womb and experience the birth of. A baby that it part of me and part of Chris. My heart aches for a baby, at times so bad it hurts. Please grant us this desire of BOTH our hearts. I have been mad at you lately because I am afraid that this will turn out the same way the last one did. I have seen so many negative pregnancy tests that I would probably think my eyes were deceiving me if I saw a positive. God I just know that no where in the Bible do you promise to give anyone children and I am afraid that that is what you will have planned for our lives and that is where my anger comes from. Please help me to not be angry and to not dwell on what we are going through right now. Help me to be an example to other people through all of this and bring them closer to you and not push then further from you. Again I ask that you please allow in vitro to work and bless us with a biological child.
Your servant,
Hope
Here lately I have been very optimistic that it was going to work this time. I even said to someone, "How can God not make it work this time?" As if I deserve for Him to make it work. I guess I came to a realization that no He really doesn't have to make it work. He could actually cause it not to work and that is where my bad day has come from. I read an article several months ago from a Christian couple who also had infertility problems and ended up having to adopt their children. They said that no where in the Bible does God promise us that we will have children. It is a blessing and a privilege but NOT a promise. I guess I have been dwelling on that a little too much lately because I am so afraid that I am going to miss out on that privilege and blessing. I know that if we don't get pregnant that yes it is possible that God will still bless us with children either through a miraculous pregnancy or adoption but I will know, for now, that we will continue to remain childless.
I kept a friends 2 month old one day last week and when Chris came home he said, "Now that's a sight I could get used to." because we were laying in the floor playing with Bella. It broke my heart because I don't know if we will ever see that.
While I don't know what God's will is for us in this situation I leave with this verse:
1 John 5:14
This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
Dear Lord,
You know the desires of my heart. It is to have a baby, a biological baby that I can feel kick in my womb and experience the birth of. A baby that it part of me and part of Chris. My heart aches for a baby, at times so bad it hurts. Please grant us this desire of BOTH our hearts. I have been mad at you lately because I am afraid that this will turn out the same way the last one did. I have seen so many negative pregnancy tests that I would probably think my eyes were deceiving me if I saw a positive. God I just know that no where in the Bible do you promise to give anyone children and I am afraid that that is what you will have planned for our lives and that is where my anger comes from. Please help me to not be angry and to not dwell on what we are going through right now. Help me to be an example to other people through all of this and bring them closer to you and not push then further from you. Again I ask that you please allow in vitro to work and bless us with a biological child.
Your servant,
Hope
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