Update

We are well into our second cycle of IVF. On Friday I up my estrogen patches to 2 at a time and Saturday (our anniversary) I go in for an ultrasound to make sure things are looking good. Truthfully I don't expect any bad news. Everything looked good on our last cycle until it was time to do our pregnancy test. I have struggled with SEVERE anxiety most of my life. Even from the time I was a child, my parents didn't realize it and just thought I was an abnormally scared child. They felt terribly guilty after I was an adult and went to the doctor and realized that I truly have a chemical imbalance which results in severe anxiety. The last two weeks have been horrible for me because of this anxiety. I have been off my medicine for 2 and a half years because we were trying to get pregnant and you can tell I'm not on my meds anymore. My fertility doctors assure me that the medicine I was on would not harm my baby, if were to get pregnant, but my family doctor prefers I not use them. I believe that I am going to have to go back on them. I have had 2 panic attacks in the last 2 weeks and such severe anxiety at night that I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep.
I have kind of stopped worrying about how many babies could result from our next cycle and have taken on the "responsibility" of worrying solely about whether it will work or not. I am SOOOOOO afraid that we are going to go through all of this and have no babies. Chris says that that is my pessimistic side shining through. He is right but I just know that God doesn't have to bless us with this. He makes no promises that all women will give birth to healthy babies, despite what measures we go to. He may have a life planned for me without children. While right now that kind of life makes my heart ache, He knows that it would be a perfect plan. On the flip side He also may say this cycle is going to work and we would be thrilled. It's the not knowing that stresses me out so much.