One of Those Days

Today was a hard day for me. Don't know why. Sometimes it just hits me. I have had a very difficult time with this session of getting ready for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). It's because I am so afraid I am going to see yet one more negative pregnancy test. The last time I said I didn't know what I was going to do if it was negative. Well...it was negative and I didn't die and I didn't go into a deep dark depression and well...technically I have made it through. So I can't say I don't know what I will do if it's negative again because as the last time I will make it through one day, one hour, one minute, and one second at a time. No it won't be easy especially since it will be our last attempt at trying to get pregnant, but I will live and I will continue to breathe.
Here lately I have been very optimistic that it was going to work this time. I even said to someone, "How can God not make it work this time?" As if I deserve for Him to make it work. I guess I came to a realization that no He really doesn't have to make it work. He could actually cause it not to work and that is where my bad day has come from. I read an article several months ago from a Christian couple who also had infertility problems and ended up having to adopt their children. They said that no where in the Bible does God promise us that we will have children. It is a blessing and a privilege but NOT a promise. I guess I have been dwelling on that a little too much lately because I am so afraid that I am going to miss out on that privilege and blessing. I know that if we don't get pregnant that yes it is possible that God will still bless us with children either through a miraculous pregnancy or adoption but I will know, for now, that we will continue to remain childless.
I kept a friends 2 month old one day last week and when Chris came home he said, "Now that's a sight I could get used to." because we were laying in the floor playing with Bella. It broke my heart because I don't know if we will ever see that.
While I don't know what God's will is for us in this situation I leave with this verse:
1 John 5:14
This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

Dear Lord,
You know the desires of my heart. It is to have a baby, a biological baby that I can feel kick in my womb and experience the birth of. A baby that it part of me and part of Chris. My heart aches for a baby, at times so bad it hurts. Please grant us this desire of BOTH our hearts. I have been mad at you lately because I am afraid that this will turn out the same way the last one did. I have seen so many negative pregnancy tests that I would probably think my eyes were deceiving me if I saw a positive. God I just know that no where in the Bible do you promise to give anyone children and I am afraid that that is what you will have planned for our lives and that is where my anger comes from. Please help me to not be angry and to not dwell on what we are going through right now. Help me to be an example to other people through all of this and bring them closer to you and not push then further from you. Again I ask that you please allow in vitro to work and bless us with a biological child.
Your servant,
Hope