Attempt #2

Well I went to the doctor today to have an ultrasound to see if I had shed my uterine lining...and I have so we are now getting ready to do our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). My nurse will call me later this week with all the specifics but the tentative time for embryo transfer is the end of July beginning of August which will still be while I'm on vacation so that works perfectly.
I have been very anxious about doing this (FET), of course there aren't many things I'm not anxious about. At times I think we should forgo this process and just forget having kids. I like it just being me, Chris, and Bella (our dog). But then there are other times like today when I cry about the possibility of not having kids. Today I took my cousin to the free movie at a local theater and we watched The Polar Express. I cried at THAT movie thinking what if we never have a child to celebrate Christmas with or to convince that Santa is real or to teach about the true meaning of Christmas. I do LOVE my life the way it is but God has also given me a desire to be a mom.
For some reason I have a really hard time dealing with all of this in vitro stuff. All the times I took a pregnancy test or was late (once we were trying) I was never anxious at what the result would be. I was always hopeful for a positive pregnancy test, even though I have never seen one. But for some reason I get more hyped up when trying to get pregnant through in vitro. I think it's because it's something I can't control. We could spend all this money and end up with no babies. We could have one, two, or even three babies and the thought of having 3 or more scares me to death. Right now as I look at the possible outcomes I think I could handle twins but would really prefer just one if given a choice. I just worry about the changes of having a baby and the finances. When those babies multiply I worry that those things will just get worse.
My husband being the strong Godly man he is says there is no need to worry about it. If God gives us more than one He will provide a way for us to handle it financially. He also reminds me that we have made a commitment to our marriage and that God comes first, then our spouse, and then our children. He reminds me that we just have to keep that in perspective and we will make it. As much as I want to be a mommy the changes that come along with being a mommy also make me anxious. I DON'T like change. So all of those things combined make me a NERVOUS WRECK.
Again this is something that I NEED to DAILY give to the Lord. There are days, like today, when I don't want to do that though. It all boils down to the fact that I think I can handle my problems much better than God. I worry that there might be a detail somewhere He forgets. I know that God is omnipresent and that He really does have things under control and that He has NO surprises but yet I still can't relinquish control of everything to Him. He has proven time and time again that He is "in the details" but I still can't and won't give everything to Him. I just want something to snap one day and have an "AH HA" moment where I just willingly give everything over to Him but that's not the way it works. I have to pray consistently for God to help me do it and even more specifically that He would give me a desire to want to give Him control and I haven't done that. I'm scared to, quite honestly.Not because I think He doesn't know what He's doing but because I am afraid that the outcome won't be what I want it to be. What I want is not always God's will. There was a time when my brother was not living a Godly life and I would pray that God would help him realize that the way he was living was wrong but I could NEVER pray "do whatever it takes" to make him come back to you. I was to afraid he or someone else I was close to would get a terminal disease, my brother would realize his need to turn back to the Lord and that it would be because of how I prayed. At times I think that I am irreversibly screwed up but my sweet husband reminds me that I'm not and that I just have to learn to, as the saying goes, "let go and let God".