Just waiting...

When you have a failed in vitro the doctor likes for you to have your "aunt flo" at least one time naturally before you go on to do another cycle of in vitro. So we have been waiting, and waiting,and waiting. Mine, had it come 28 days after the last one should have already come almost 4 and a half weeks ago...but it didn't. I waited a couple of weeks and after taking 2 home pregnancy tests to make sure a miracle hadn't occurred, I called the doctor. I was called in a prescription for Prometrium. You are supposed to take this pill before you go to bed, which I did, but at 2:30 in the morning I woke up with horrible dizziness and shortness of breath. It was very reminiscent of a panic attack, which I have, but I know that wasn't what it was. So after playing phone tag with my nurse the following day I was called in another prescription for Provera. I, thankfully, did not have any side effects with this drug. I have been taking medicine to help my cycle start for 9 days now and I am beginning to see that it will start soon. Once it starts I call my nurse and I begin a two week regiment of birth control and then begin Lupron, and then my estrogen patches and progesterone shots. Once my cycle come full on it will be 6 weeks until we will be ready to try our last round of in vitro, which is technically called a frozen embryo transfer (FET).
We have 3 embryos that made it to blastocyst stage and were frozen. At my age protocol is to only use 2 of those. Through prayerful consideration and after also asking our prayer warriors to pray for us we have chosen to use all three. Partly for the finances of it all but also for the percentage of success with only using 1 embryo at a later date. I think this stresses my doctor out a little bit but he is willing to do it. He was just soooo surprised that our first in vitro didn't work and is convinced that this one is that he is afraid we will end up with more than one baby. The way he put it was that ideally they would prefer you to only have a singleton, twins are OK but triplets are a failure. Even though you are pregnant the risks associated with triplets are what deem it a failure.
As the time has been drawing nearer I have been having serious prayer times with God telling Him to please not give me at least one baby but not more than two. I tell Him, "I just don't think I can handle more than 2 babies at one time." "Lord, how expensive would 3 babies be. I mean I know you have provided for us to get pregnant but..." OK now here's my hangup. I seen God work in mysterious ways and He has totally provided for our needs even before we began trying to get pregnant but now it seems as though He has been even more since we have embarked on this adventure of in vitro. But yet I still limit His power. I think but what if He chooses not to help or is it possible that God can yet one more time want to help me. What have I done to deserve His help. In all actuality I have done nothing. Through common grace God chooses to bless me and provide for me and my family in situations that seem as though you won't make it through them.
My human sinful nature makes me think "I" can't handle this so maybe God can't either. I forget verse from the Bible like
Psalm 18:32-34: It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. or
Isaiah 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
So while I still do not know the outcome of our second and last attempt at in vitro, (will we be pregnant at all, will we be pregnant with 1, 2, or 3) I have to trust in the power of my God. For heaven's sake it is my God who parted the red sea in Exodus. It is my God who allowed Jonah to be swallowed by a whale and 3 days later be spit out on shore alive (story found in Jonah). It was my God who sent His one and only Son to die on a cross for my sin because He loved me so much He wishes that no one perish (2 Peter 3:9) so why would He not care about my situation and take care of me? In Matthew 6 it talks about how God feeds the birds of the air and clothes the lilies. How much more does He love me and want to take car of me.
While I know all this I easily fall back into my human nature of wanting control of it all. And I guess deep down worrying that God just might not pull through this time. Why do I do that??
Lord,
I know that you love me and I know that you take care of me. I also know that your plan for my life is better than any plan I could ever create. Will you please help me to push aside my anxiety and trust that with my whole heart?