Well I went to the doctor today to have an ultrasound to see if I had shed my uterine lining...and I have so we are now getting ready to do our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). My nurse will call me later this week with all the specifics but the tentative time for embryo transfer is the end of July beginning of August which will still be while I'm on vacation so that works perfectly.
I have been very anxious about doing this (FET), of course there aren't many things I'm not anxious about. At times I think we should forgo this process and just forget having kids. I like it just being me, Chris, and Bella (our dog). But then there are other times like today when I cry about the possibility of not having kids. Today I took my cousin to the free movie at a local theater and we watched The Polar Express. I cried at THAT movie thinking what if we never have a child to celebrate Christmas with or to convince that Santa is real or to teach about the true meaning of Christmas. I do LOVE my life the way it is but God has also given me a desire to be a mom.
For some reason I have a really hard time dealing with all of this in vitro stuff. All the times I took a pregnancy test or was late (once we were trying) I was never anxious at what the result would be. I was always hopeful for a positive pregnancy test, even though I have never seen one. But for some reason I get more hyped up when trying to get pregnant through in vitro. I think it's because it's something I can't control. We could spend all this money and end up with no babies. We could have one, two, or even three babies and the thought of having 3 or more scares me to death. Right now as I look at the possible outcomes I think I could handle twins but would really prefer just one if given a choice. I just worry about the changes of having a baby and the finances. When those babies multiply I worry that those things will just get worse.
My husband being the strong Godly man he is says there is no need to worry about it. If God gives us more than one He will provide a way for us to handle it financially. He also reminds me that we have made a commitment to our marriage and that God comes first, then our spouse, and then our children. He reminds me that we just have to keep that in perspective and we will make it. As much as I want to be a mommy the changes that come along with being a mommy also make me anxious. I DON'T like change. So all of those things combined make me a NERVOUS WRECK.
Again this is something that I NEED to DAILY give to the Lord. There are days, like today, when I don't want to do that though. It all boils down to the fact that I think I can handle my problems much better than God. I worry that there might be a detail somewhere He forgets. I know that God is omnipresent and that He really does have things under control and that He has NO surprises but yet I still can't relinquish control of everything to Him. He has proven time and time again that He is "in the details" but I still can't and won't give everything to Him. I just want something to snap one day and have an "AH HA" moment where I just willingly give everything over to Him but that's not the way it works. I have to pray consistently for God to help me do it and even more specifically that He would give me a desire to want to give Him control and I haven't done that. I'm scared to, quite honestly.Not because I think He doesn't know what He's doing but because I am afraid that the outcome won't be what I want it to be. What I want is not always God's will. There was a time when my brother was not living a Godly life and I would pray that God would help him realize that the way he was living was wrong but I could NEVER pray "do whatever it takes" to make him come back to you. I was to afraid he or someone else I was close to would get a terminal disease, my brother would realize his need to turn back to the Lord and that it would be because of how I prayed. At times I think that I am irreversibly screwed up but my sweet husband reminds me that I'm not and that I just have to learn to, as the saying goes, "let go and let God".
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Just waiting...
When you have a failed in vitro the doctor likes for you to have your "aunt flo" at least one time naturally before you go on to do another cycle of in vitro. So we have been waiting, and waiting,and waiting. Mine, had it come 28 days after the last one should have already come almost 4 and a half weeks ago...but it didn't. I waited a couple of weeks and after taking 2 home pregnancy tests to make sure a miracle hadn't occurred, I called the doctor. I was called in a prescription for Prometrium. You are supposed to take this pill before you go to bed, which I did, but at 2:30 in the morning I woke up with horrible dizziness and shortness of breath. It was very reminiscent of a panic attack, which I have, but I know that wasn't what it was. So after playing phone tag with my nurse the following day I was called in another prescription for Provera. I, thankfully, did not have any side effects with this drug. I have been taking medicine to help my cycle start for 9 days now and I am beginning to see that it will start soon. Once it starts I call my nurse and I begin a two week regiment of birth control and then begin Lupron, and then my estrogen patches and progesterone shots. Once my cycle come full on it will be 6 weeks until we will be ready to try our last round of in vitro, which is technically called a frozen embryo transfer (FET).
We have 3 embryos that made it to blastocyst stage and were frozen. At my age protocol is to only use 2 of those. Through prayerful consideration and after also asking our prayer warriors to pray for us we have chosen to use all three. Partly for the finances of it all but also for the percentage of success with only using 1 embryo at a later date. I think this stresses my doctor out a little bit but he is willing to do it. He was just soooo surprised that our first in vitro didn't work and is convinced that this one is that he is afraid we will end up with more than one baby. The way he put it was that ideally they would prefer you to only have a singleton, twins are OK but triplets are a failure. Even though you are pregnant the risks associated with triplets are what deem it a failure.
As the time has been drawing nearer I have been having serious prayer times with God telling Him to please not give me at least one baby but not more than two. I tell Him, "I just don't think I can handle more than 2 babies at one time." "Lord, how expensive would 3 babies be. I mean I know you have provided for us to get pregnant but..." OK now here's my hangup. I seen God work in mysterious ways and He has totally provided for our needs even before we began trying to get pregnant but now it seems as though He has been even more since we have embarked on this adventure of in vitro. But yet I still limit His power. I think but what if He chooses not to help or is it possible that God can yet one more time want to help me. What have I done to deserve His help. In all actuality I have done nothing. Through common grace God chooses to bless me and provide for me and my family in situations that seem as though you won't make it through them.
My human sinful nature makes me think "I" can't handle this so maybe God can't either. I forget verse from the Bible like
Psalm 18:32-34: It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. or
Isaiah 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
So while I still do not know the outcome of our second and last attempt at in vitro, (will we be pregnant at all, will we be pregnant with 1, 2, or 3) I have to trust in the power of my God. For heaven's sake it is my God who parted the red sea in Exodus. It is my God who allowed Jonah to be swallowed by a whale and 3 days later be spit out on shore alive (story found in Jonah). It was my God who sent His one and only Son to die on a cross for my sin because He loved me so much He wishes that no one perish (2 Peter 3:9) so why would He not care about my situation and take care of me? In Matthew 6 it talks about how God feeds the birds of the air and clothes the lilies. How much more does He love me and want to take car of me.
While I know all this I easily fall back into my human nature of wanting control of it all. And I guess deep down worrying that God just might not pull through this time. Why do I do that??
Lord,
I know that you love me and I know that you take care of me. I also know that your plan for my life is better than any plan I could ever create. Will you please help me to push aside my anxiety and trust that with my whole heart?
We have 3 embryos that made it to blastocyst stage and were frozen. At my age protocol is to only use 2 of those. Through prayerful consideration and after also asking our prayer warriors to pray for us we have chosen to use all three. Partly for the finances of it all but also for the percentage of success with only using 1 embryo at a later date. I think this stresses my doctor out a little bit but he is willing to do it. He was just soooo surprised that our first in vitro didn't work and is convinced that this one is that he is afraid we will end up with more than one baby. The way he put it was that ideally they would prefer you to only have a singleton, twins are OK but triplets are a failure. Even though you are pregnant the risks associated with triplets are what deem it a failure.
As the time has been drawing nearer I have been having serious prayer times with God telling Him to please not give me at least one baby but not more than two. I tell Him, "I just don't think I can handle more than 2 babies at one time." "Lord, how expensive would 3 babies be. I mean I know you have provided for us to get pregnant but..." OK now here's my hangup. I seen God work in mysterious ways and He has totally provided for our needs even before we began trying to get pregnant but now it seems as though He has been even more since we have embarked on this adventure of in vitro. But yet I still limit His power. I think but what if He chooses not to help or is it possible that God can yet one more time want to help me. What have I done to deserve His help. In all actuality I have done nothing. Through common grace God chooses to bless me and provide for me and my family in situations that seem as though you won't make it through them.
My human sinful nature makes me think "I" can't handle this so maybe God can't either. I forget verse from the Bible like
Psalm 18:32-34: It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. or
Isaiah 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
So while I still do not know the outcome of our second and last attempt at in vitro, (will we be pregnant at all, will we be pregnant with 1, 2, or 3) I have to trust in the power of my God. For heaven's sake it is my God who parted the red sea in Exodus. It is my God who allowed Jonah to be swallowed by a whale and 3 days later be spit out on shore alive (story found in Jonah). It was my God who sent His one and only Son to die on a cross for my sin because He loved me so much He wishes that no one perish (2 Peter 3:9) so why would He not care about my situation and take care of me? In Matthew 6 it talks about how God feeds the birds of the air and clothes the lilies. How much more does He love me and want to take car of me.
While I know all this I easily fall back into my human nature of wanting control of it all. And I guess deep down worrying that God just might not pull through this time. Why do I do that??
Lord,
I know that you love me and I know that you take care of me. I also know that your plan for my life is better than any plan I could ever create. Will you please help me to push aside my anxiety and trust that with my whole heart?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Surprise gift
My husband, Chris, attended a bible study a few weeks ago when he was off one Friday morning. Apparently he shared with that small group of men what was going on in our lives. A week later the guy that he went to bible study with called and said he had an envelope from one of the guys at the bible study. Chris went and met our friends and got the envelope. When he got home he showed it to me. A guy he had only met once and I had never met felt led by God to contribute monetarily towards our efforts at expanding our family. I couldn't believe it. I knew where it had come from (God) but I couldn't believe that He would lead someone to help us in that way.
Today I was thinking about children and even though I had seen God provide n that way I was thinking, "If our second attempt at in vitro doesn't work how in the WORLD will be able to adopt???" Why is it that I limit my God, a God who can do anything?? He is perfectly capable of working out the details. I know that he will because He did not give me the strong desire to be a mom and Chris a dad if He did not plan on fulfilling that desire somehow. Even though God has many times provided for Chris and I, not just monetarily, I still have difficulty fully trusting He has everything under control and can handle EVERYTHING. Why is that? My desire to control things I believe. I look at situations with my human eyes and with those there are many things that seem WAY to big to handle. But if only I would look at things through God's lenses I would see that nothing it too big for Him to take care of.
Today I was thinking about children and even though I had seen God provide n that way I was thinking, "If our second attempt at in vitro doesn't work how in the WORLD will be able to adopt???" Why is it that I limit my God, a God who can do anything?? He is perfectly capable of working out the details. I know that he will because He did not give me the strong desire to be a mom and Chris a dad if He did not plan on fulfilling that desire somehow. Even though God has many times provided for Chris and I, not just monetarily, I still have difficulty fully trusting He has everything under control and can handle EVERYTHING. Why is that? My desire to control things I believe. I look at situations with my human eyes and with those there are many things that seem WAY to big to handle. But if only I would look at things through God's lenses I would see that nothing it too big for Him to take care of.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
2 years, 3 months
I titled my blog as I did because that is how long we have been facing our infertility struggle. I have debated for a long time whether I should blog about this or not but I have decided to.
When you get married you just automatically assume when you are ready to have kids it will just happen. That's just the natural progression of things. You know how long you want to wait before you have children (for us it was 5 years, but we got overly anxious and only waited 4) and then"bam" you are pregnant and nine months later your baby arrives. I have learned that this is not quite the case. So today as I share we have been waiting for our baby for 2 years and 3 months and have not yet had good news.
Before I go any further I do want to say that I am a born-again, devout follower of Christ. At the age of 8 I told God that I knew I was a sinner, I believed that He had sent His perfect Son to die on a cross for MY sins and that He rose again on the third day. I invited Him to live in my heart and forever be my Lord and Savior. Why do I write this? I want anyone who reads this to know that He is the only way my husband and I have gotten through this valley in our lives. Just because I'm a Christian does that mean that I haven't gotten mad at God? Absolutely not!! Does He expect me not to? Of course not!! He made us human and He created us to have feelings.
So it goes without saying the Christian walk has its valleys and it has its mountain top experiences. Even though we are going through a valley God is still King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is not surprised by this and he has sent precious people on Earth to love on us during this difficult time.
When you get married you just automatically assume when you are ready to have kids it will just happen. That's just the natural progression of things. You know how long you want to wait before you have children (for us it was 5 years, but we got overly anxious and only waited 4) and then"bam" you are pregnant and nine months later your baby arrives. I have learned that this is not quite the case. So today as I share we have been waiting for our baby for 2 years and 3 months and have not yet had good news.
Before I go any further I do want to say that I am a born-again, devout follower of Christ. At the age of 8 I told God that I knew I was a sinner, I believed that He had sent His perfect Son to die on a cross for MY sins and that He rose again on the third day. I invited Him to live in my heart and forever be my Lord and Savior. Why do I write this? I want anyone who reads this to know that He is the only way my husband and I have gotten through this valley in our lives. Just because I'm a Christian does that mean that I haven't gotten mad at God? Absolutely not!! Does He expect me not to? Of course not!! He made us human and He created us to have feelings.
So it goes without saying the Christian walk has its valleys and it has its mountain top experiences. Even though we are going through a valley God is still King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is not surprised by this and he has sent precious people on Earth to love on us during this difficult time.
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