It's been a while since I have written. I still miss my precious baby so much. I still wish that at this moment I could proudly say that I was 7 weeks pregnant. But I can't. I wish I knew if my baby was a boy or a girl. I wish he or she was not in Heaven with God. I wish I could say that I don't still cry over the loss of our sweet little one...but I do.
I still so badly want a child that is from my womb but unless God chooses to perform a miracle I know that will never happen. I have done a lot of thinking over this last month. I have realized that as badly as I want to give birth to my child I just plainly want to be a mommy. Chris and I have talked about adoption in recent days. As we have talked though I told him that I will never give up my dream to give birth to OUR child, but the reality is that if we want to be parents we need to start seriously looking into adoption. Even while I say that I don't even really know how in the world we would do it. We have NO MORE money to spend. We are just barely getting by with the bills we do have there is no way we can add one more to it. For now a child is just a prayer and a dream. It seems so unobtainable!!
I shared our story with a friend from church and asked her to pray for us. She said that maybe we had to go through these very steps in order to get the perfect baby for us (whether through adoption or birth). She told me that I needed to believe that God would perform a miracle. While it bothers me when people tell me what I need to do, since they have NO idea what it feels like; I knew she was right. I have gone through several periods of belief and non belief in what God was going to do for Chris and I. I so strongly believe that my one and only pregnancy was going to bring about a healthy set of twins that I find it hard to believe in a miracle. I'm sure that one day I will but right now, just to be honest, I can't make myself. Maybe when more time has passed I can.
I am so afraid that I won't love an adopted child like I would love a child birthed from me. I told Chris that even though I was for overseas adoption I don't know so much now because I want to have a bond with our child if it's not going to be biologically ours and I feel that the best way to achieve that is by getting them when they are born. I don't think I could handle bringing home a one year old or older who wanted to have nothing to do with me. I also don't want to miss out on milestones since I'm already missing out on so many by not having my own biological child. I will never know what it feels like to hear their heartbeat while in my womb.I will never know what it feels like to have my baby move around inside of me. I will never know what it feels like to have them lay on my chest right after they are born. These are things that I always assumed I'd know. I am sad over the fact that I may never know these things.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
My Thoughts
Unless you've been through exactly my situation where you've been told you'll only get pregnant by use of IVF and you've done 2 cycles using all your money and all your embryos and you get pregnant only to loose the baby 3 days after you found out you were pregnant. You have no idea how I feel. I am looking at the possibility of never being what I thought I was a called to be: a mommy.
I don't understand why it is that there are so many people who get the privilege of being called mommy but yet take it for granted. We have done everything in our power to try to become parents, I have been buying baby "stuff" for 2 1/2 years ever since we started trying to conceive and now I wonder: Am I never going to be allowed to use it?
I also don't understand why people who don't live for God are allowed to have babies but people who talk about how they are going to teach their children the ways of God before they are even conceived have such difficulty having them.
I know that there is a reason that all this happened. That maybe I may be able to reach out to someone struggling in the same area or we may be able to reach out to another couple. But I want to be selfish, I don't want to help someone else. Not if it means that I had to loose the only baby I may ever be pregnant with.
Why is it that it seems as though every teenager who has sex gets pregnant but at 29 after being married 6 years I can't.
I know that God says in the Bible that He will never give you more than He has equipped you to handle but come on God. I've had it!!! How am I supposed to make it through this????
I thought I could go to work today but I teach 5 year olds. I have to act happy in front of them. I am just not ready to "put on my happy" face and pretend like nothing never happened. I would prefer to never smile again and hate being fake but like it or not I have to go back to work Monday. I will have to pretend that every thing's OK whether I want to or not. Quite honestly I'd be OK if I never taught again but unfortunately I don't have another job lined up and I signed a contract so I have to do it this year at least. Going back to work brings on a whole new set of anxiety and sadness. I have to see children 5 days a week. CHILDREN!! I have to see what I want so badly but have been denied. I also get the "pleasure" of seeing those children whose parents don't care for them and wish that they didn't have to care of them and it just reminds me of how unfair and unjust the world is.
I want to know why is it that all 5 of my embryos supposedly had chromosomal defect that either prevented them from implanting or from growing into a healthy baby. All 5!! Why couldn't one have been OK.
I want to know why God provided all but $300 for this last transfer if He wasn't going to allow it to work.
I know all the things I need to know like God loves me, He has a plan for your life, He may have something out there better for you and when you look back you'll understand why this happened. Right now I don't care about all that. Right now I'm hurting. I'm missing a baby I thought I would be holding in May. I'm thinking about what I should do with all the baby stuff I have collected over the years. Do I keep it with the hopes that ONE day God is going to give me a baby? or do I get rid of it because He may never give me one?
For anyone who reads this and would like to criticize I need you to understand that I have always wanted to be a wife and mother my whole life. I wanted a family to serve. I wanted to have family dinners, family devotions, and family vacations. I wanted little "bow heads" who I could put smocked dresses on and braid their hair. I wanted little ones that I could make cookies with and cupcakes for on their birthdays. I wanted to watch them play outside in their tree house and have a passion for the outdoors like I did when I was little. I wanted to see them crawling and laughing as Bella was chasing them down the hall. I wanted to see them cuddle with Bella because she LOVES kids. Right now I realize that it is possible that I may never see that and that is where I'm at right now.
I know that I won't die from this and I won't always be sad but it feels like the pain will never go away.
I don't understand why it is that there are so many people who get the privilege of being called mommy but yet take it for granted. We have done everything in our power to try to become parents, I have been buying baby "stuff" for 2 1/2 years ever since we started trying to conceive and now I wonder: Am I never going to be allowed to use it?
I also don't understand why people who don't live for God are allowed to have babies but people who talk about how they are going to teach their children the ways of God before they are even conceived have such difficulty having them.
I know that there is a reason that all this happened. That maybe I may be able to reach out to someone struggling in the same area or we may be able to reach out to another couple. But I want to be selfish, I don't want to help someone else. Not if it means that I had to loose the only baby I may ever be pregnant with.
Why is it that it seems as though every teenager who has sex gets pregnant but at 29 after being married 6 years I can't.
I know that God says in the Bible that He will never give you more than He has equipped you to handle but come on God. I've had it!!! How am I supposed to make it through this????
I thought I could go to work today but I teach 5 year olds. I have to act happy in front of them. I am just not ready to "put on my happy" face and pretend like nothing never happened. I would prefer to never smile again and hate being fake but like it or not I have to go back to work Monday. I will have to pretend that every thing's OK whether I want to or not. Quite honestly I'd be OK if I never taught again but unfortunately I don't have another job lined up and I signed a contract so I have to do it this year at least. Going back to work brings on a whole new set of anxiety and sadness. I have to see children 5 days a week. CHILDREN!! I have to see what I want so badly but have been denied. I also get the "pleasure" of seeing those children whose parents don't care for them and wish that they didn't have to care of them and it just reminds me of how unfair and unjust the world is.
I want to know why is it that all 5 of my embryos supposedly had chromosomal defect that either prevented them from implanting or from growing into a healthy baby. All 5!! Why couldn't one have been OK.
I want to know why God provided all but $300 for this last transfer if He wasn't going to allow it to work.
I know all the things I need to know like God loves me, He has a plan for your life, He may have something out there better for you and when you look back you'll understand why this happened. Right now I don't care about all that. Right now I'm hurting. I'm missing a baby I thought I would be holding in May. I'm thinking about what I should do with all the baby stuff I have collected over the years. Do I keep it with the hopes that ONE day God is going to give me a baby? or do I get rid of it because He may never give me one?
For anyone who reads this and would like to criticize I need you to understand that I have always wanted to be a wife and mother my whole life. I wanted a family to serve. I wanted to have family dinners, family devotions, and family vacations. I wanted little "bow heads" who I could put smocked dresses on and braid their hair. I wanted little ones that I could make cookies with and cupcakes for on their birthdays. I wanted to watch them play outside in their tree house and have a passion for the outdoors like I did when I was little. I wanted to see them crawling and laughing as Bella was chasing them down the hall. I wanted to see them cuddle with Bella because she LOVES kids. Right now I realize that it is possible that I may never see that and that is where I'm at right now.
I know that I won't die from this and I won't always be sad but it feels like the pain will never go away.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Worst News Ever
After going to the doctor and giving blood yesterday they called and said that my HCG levels were at less than 1. So I lost the pregnancy. We have never been through anything more devastating than what we have been through since Sunday. We had the highest of highs Sunday and Monday thinking we were pregnant. Then Tuesday with the news from the doctor we got scared and then Wednesday our fears were confirmed. What makes this so hard is that we used our last embryos and we don't have anymore money to go through IVF again at least not for a long while. Which means our hopes of being a mommy and daddy seem farther and farther away. While we haven't lost our faith we are wondering where God is in all this. We feel as though He has deserted us. We know that He hasn't but that's the way we feel. Surely it can only get better from here but I feel as though I will always hurt.
My sweet doctor called this morning to say that he was sorry for our loss and that is was probably a biochemical pregnancy. I looked up what a biochemical pregnancy is and copied this from another doctor's blog:
The definition of a biochemical pregnancy is a pregnancy that stops growing before it is large enough to be seen on ultrasound. It’s a very early miscarriage. The causes are the same as for any miscarriage. By far, the most common reason is that the embryo is genetically abnormal, that is it doesn’t have the right number of chromosomes. And although it has the tools to grow for a while, as the embryo grows and needs to become more complex, the tools run out and the embryo can grow no more.
Right now we just need lots of prayers. We are trying to figure why God would not allow a baby to be born to us. We would have taught this baby about Him and how to live a life for Christ and honestly were excited to do it. We just have great difficulty understanding why God wouldn't allow it for us but He allows it for other who do not have that passion for Him. Don't know that we will ever understand this.
My sweet doctor called this morning to say that he was sorry for our loss and that is was probably a biochemical pregnancy. I looked up what a biochemical pregnancy is and copied this from another doctor's blog:
The definition of a biochemical pregnancy is a pregnancy that stops growing before it is large enough to be seen on ultrasound. It’s a very early miscarriage. The causes are the same as for any miscarriage. By far, the most common reason is that the embryo is genetically abnormal, that is it doesn’t have the right number of chromosomes. And although it has the tools to grow for a while, as the embryo grows and needs to become more complex, the tools run out and the embryo can grow no more.
Right now we just need lots of prayers. We are trying to figure why God would not allow a baby to be born to us. We would have taught this baby about Him and how to live a life for Christ and honestly were excited to do it. We just have great difficulty understanding why God wouldn't allow it for us but He allows it for other who do not have that passion for Him. Don't know that we will ever understand this.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Praying for a miracle
Well I cheated and took a pregnancy test this past Sunday and it was POSITIVE!! We were so excited (so excited I almost threw up) that we called all the people that were praying for us and told them the good news.
Today was the day we were to find out from the doctor so I called during my lunch break to find out the good news. I was expecting to hear, "Girl your HCG is so high you might be having twins!" Well the news that I actually heard was very far from that. I gave blood 11 days past transfer and my HCG was only 15.7. They expect it to be 80-100. My estrogen was fine but my progesterone was 29.1 and it has always been at least 60, they just want it to be at least 40.
So here are some scenarios:
1. I could be loosing the pregnancy because when your progesterone drops and your HCG is on the low side it could often mean that.
2. My embryos could have implanted later. Although it doesn't happen often it can happen, since they were frozen. So this would make my levels lowers if they haven't been implanted long.
3. I may just have low levels and have a perfectly healthy baby. My nurse and doctor were talking about someone that that happened to about a year ago.
My recheck appointment has been moved to tomorrow instead of Thursday. My principal sent me home from school today and told me not to come back until Thursday so that I could take care of myself. She cried with me too.
The doctor called me in some progesterone suppositories to try to raise my progesterone levels in attempt to keep the pregnancy and they will call me tomorrow with the details of my bloodwork.
The doctor hasn't given up yet and is determined to try to save my baby.
The thought has come across my mind, "God why would you allow me to become pregnant only to let me loose the baby?" My hope and prayer is that He is going to use this to impact the story of my baby's birth and that I will still come home with a baby in 9 months.
I pray in Jesus' name that God will work a miracle and spare my baby's life and bless us as parents.
Today was the day we were to find out from the doctor so I called during my lunch break to find out the good news. I was expecting to hear, "Girl your HCG is so high you might be having twins!" Well the news that I actually heard was very far from that. I gave blood 11 days past transfer and my HCG was only 15.7. They expect it to be 80-100. My estrogen was fine but my progesterone was 29.1 and it has always been at least 60, they just want it to be at least 40.
So here are some scenarios:
1. I could be loosing the pregnancy because when your progesterone drops and your HCG is on the low side it could often mean that.
2. My embryos could have implanted later. Although it doesn't happen often it can happen, since they were frozen. So this would make my levels lowers if they haven't been implanted long.
3. I may just have low levels and have a perfectly healthy baby. My nurse and doctor were talking about someone that that happened to about a year ago.
My recheck appointment has been moved to tomorrow instead of Thursday. My principal sent me home from school today and told me not to come back until Thursday so that I could take care of myself. She cried with me too.
The doctor called me in some progesterone suppositories to try to raise my progesterone levels in attempt to keep the pregnancy and they will call me tomorrow with the details of my bloodwork.
The doctor hasn't given up yet and is determined to try to save my baby.
The thought has come across my mind, "God why would you allow me to become pregnant only to let me loose the baby?" My hope and prayer is that He is going to use this to impact the story of my baby's birth and that I will still come home with a baby in 9 months.
I pray in Jesus' name that God will work a miracle and spare my baby's life and bless us as parents.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Just waiting
We had our embryo transfer this past Thursday, August 5th. We transferred 3 embryos, which I do NOT regret. We got pictures of the three embryos. Dr. P said one looked really good, one looked pretty good, and one looked ok. I am so glad that Dr. P did our transfer. First of all he's my favorite of the two doctors but I also felt like he made sure that the embryos were being deposited exactly where they needed to be and I didn't have that feeling with Dr. N the last time. The last time my bladder was too full and he really couldn't see where the catheter was. It worried me so much that I questioned the nurse about it after the procedure. Dr. P even gave me an ultrasound picture of where the embryos were deposited. I feel much better about the procedure this time.
Now we are in the dreaded two week wait period!!! We have decided that I will go to the doctor Monday, August 16 and give blood after school. They will not call us with the results until the following day. We are praying hard over the these babies and begging God to make us the parents we so long to be!!!
Now we are in the dreaded two week wait period!!! We have decided that I will go to the doctor Monday, August 16 and give blood after school. They will not call us with the results until the following day. We are praying hard over the these babies and begging God to make us the parents we so long to be!!!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Update
We have been doing progesterone shots since Saturday and it's starting to hurt constantly. I really didn't expect it to hurt quite so early. It's nothing unbearable and if it produces a baby (or two) then I will gladly hurt for a few months. Thursday we go in for our embryo transfer, as long as my blood work goes well Wednesday. I'm sure my blood work will be fine because it always is. I am really excited about Thursday but even more excited about August 17th which is the day we should find out if I'm pregnant or not. Both of us are pretty siked and very hopeful for positive results.
School starts for me next Tuesday. I checked my class list today and think I have a pretty good class. I am starting to get excited. I hope this year goes better than last year.
School starts for me next Tuesday. I checked my class list today and think I have a pretty good class. I am starting to get excited. I hope this year goes better than last year.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Update
We are well into our second cycle of IVF. On Friday I up my estrogen patches to 2 at a time and Saturday (our anniversary) I go in for an ultrasound to make sure things are looking good. Truthfully I don't expect any bad news. Everything looked good on our last cycle until it was time to do our pregnancy test. I have struggled with SEVERE anxiety most of my life. Even from the time I was a child, my parents didn't realize it and just thought I was an abnormally scared child. They felt terribly guilty after I was an adult and went to the doctor and realized that I truly have a chemical imbalance which results in severe anxiety. The last two weeks have been horrible for me because of this anxiety. I have been off my medicine for 2 and a half years because we were trying to get pregnant and you can tell I'm not on my meds anymore. My fertility doctors assure me that the medicine I was on would not harm my baby, if were to get pregnant, but my family doctor prefers I not use them. I believe that I am going to have to go back on them. I have had 2 panic attacks in the last 2 weeks and such severe anxiety at night that I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep.
I have kind of stopped worrying about how many babies could result from our next cycle and have taken on the "responsibility" of worrying solely about whether it will work or not. I am SOOOOOO afraid that we are going to go through all of this and have no babies. Chris says that that is my pessimistic side shining through. He is right but I just know that God doesn't have to bless us with this. He makes no promises that all women will give birth to healthy babies, despite what measures we go to. He may have a life planned for me without children. While right now that kind of life makes my heart ache, He knows that it would be a perfect plan. On the flip side He also may say this cycle is going to work and we would be thrilled. It's the not knowing that stresses me out so much.
I have kind of stopped worrying about how many babies could result from our next cycle and have taken on the "responsibility" of worrying solely about whether it will work or not. I am SOOOOOO afraid that we are going to go through all of this and have no babies. Chris says that that is my pessimistic side shining through. He is right but I just know that God doesn't have to bless us with this. He makes no promises that all women will give birth to healthy babies, despite what measures we go to. He may have a life planned for me without children. While right now that kind of life makes my heart ache, He knows that it would be a perfect plan. On the flip side He also may say this cycle is going to work and we would be thrilled. It's the not knowing that stresses me out so much.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Prayer
Dear God,
I wanted to say I'm sorry for my attitude for the last few days. I know that it's OK to be mad at You but the way I handled my anger was not. You see Chris and I want a baby so desperately. A biological baby at that. We have already had one failed IVF cycle (after 2 years of trying) and I'm afraid that this last one might be too. Not because You're not capable of allowing it to work but because it may not be in Your will. God I beg of you to allow this IVF cycle to work. I am pleading with all that I have for You to give us a biological child and to allow this to work. I know that even if it doesn't work that You are still God and You are still on Your throne. I know that You won't be surprised by what happens, good or bad (in our eyes), and that whatever happens is Your will but God again I come to you and ask you to open my womb and bless us with the children we have been longing for. Thank you for all the people that have been praying for us and have loved on us during this difficult time. We know that they are sent by you and really thank you isn't quite adequate enough but it's the best thing I know to say. At times when we couldn't pray for ourselves they were praying for us and have been praying with us. Thank you for allowing me to be a child of God because I know that if I wasn't I would surely not have gotten through the heart ache that still comes and goes from knowing the last IVF failed. I love you and I know You love me more than I can understand.
Hope
I wanted to say I'm sorry for my attitude for the last few days. I know that it's OK to be mad at You but the way I handled my anger was not. You see Chris and I want a baby so desperately. A biological baby at that. We have already had one failed IVF cycle (after 2 years of trying) and I'm afraid that this last one might be too. Not because You're not capable of allowing it to work but because it may not be in Your will. God I beg of you to allow this IVF cycle to work. I am pleading with all that I have for You to give us a biological child and to allow this to work. I know that even if it doesn't work that You are still God and You are still on Your throne. I know that You won't be surprised by what happens, good or bad (in our eyes), and that whatever happens is Your will but God again I come to you and ask you to open my womb and bless us with the children we have been longing for. Thank you for all the people that have been praying for us and have loved on us during this difficult time. We know that they are sent by you and really thank you isn't quite adequate enough but it's the best thing I know to say. At times when we couldn't pray for ourselves they were praying for us and have been praying with us. Thank you for allowing me to be a child of God because I know that if I wasn't I would surely not have gotten through the heart ache that still comes and goes from knowing the last IVF failed. I love you and I know You love me more than I can understand.
Hope
God's Word
We have some friends who have been on the mission field and had four miscarriages before finally giving birth to their daughter just a week ago (here in the states so everyone can see her in person). They had a very difficult time and tried to conceive for three years before finally being successful. The following verses helped them to get through the loss of so many babies and I wanted to post it so that I could refer to it often also.
Matthew 11:28-30 (The message)
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
(NASB version)
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30 (The message)
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
(NASB version)
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Sunday, July 11, 2010
One of Those Days
Today was a hard day for me. Don't know why. Sometimes it just hits me. I have had a very difficult time with this session of getting ready for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). It's because I am so afraid I am going to see yet one more negative pregnancy test. The last time I said I didn't know what I was going to do if it was negative. Well...it was negative and I didn't die and I didn't go into a deep dark depression and well...technically I have made it through. So I can't say I don't know what I will do if it's negative again because as the last time I will make it through one day, one hour, one minute, and one second at a time. No it won't be easy especially since it will be our last attempt at trying to get pregnant, but I will live and I will continue to breathe.
Here lately I have been very optimistic that it was going to work this time. I even said to someone, "How can God not make it work this time?" As if I deserve for Him to make it work. I guess I came to a realization that no He really doesn't have to make it work. He could actually cause it not to work and that is where my bad day has come from. I read an article several months ago from a Christian couple who also had infertility problems and ended up having to adopt their children. They said that no where in the Bible does God promise us that we will have children. It is a blessing and a privilege but NOT a promise. I guess I have been dwelling on that a little too much lately because I am so afraid that I am going to miss out on that privilege and blessing. I know that if we don't get pregnant that yes it is possible that God will still bless us with children either through a miraculous pregnancy or adoption but I will know, for now, that we will continue to remain childless.
I kept a friends 2 month old one day last week and when Chris came home he said, "Now that's a sight I could get used to." because we were laying in the floor playing with Bella. It broke my heart because I don't know if we will ever see that.
While I don't know what God's will is for us in this situation I leave with this verse:
1 John 5:14
This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
Dear Lord,
You know the desires of my heart. It is to have a baby, a biological baby that I can feel kick in my womb and experience the birth of. A baby that it part of me and part of Chris. My heart aches for a baby, at times so bad it hurts. Please grant us this desire of BOTH our hearts. I have been mad at you lately because I am afraid that this will turn out the same way the last one did. I have seen so many negative pregnancy tests that I would probably think my eyes were deceiving me if I saw a positive. God I just know that no where in the Bible do you promise to give anyone children and I am afraid that that is what you will have planned for our lives and that is where my anger comes from. Please help me to not be angry and to not dwell on what we are going through right now. Help me to be an example to other people through all of this and bring them closer to you and not push then further from you. Again I ask that you please allow in vitro to work and bless us with a biological child.
Your servant,
Hope
Here lately I have been very optimistic that it was going to work this time. I even said to someone, "How can God not make it work this time?" As if I deserve for Him to make it work. I guess I came to a realization that no He really doesn't have to make it work. He could actually cause it not to work and that is where my bad day has come from. I read an article several months ago from a Christian couple who also had infertility problems and ended up having to adopt their children. They said that no where in the Bible does God promise us that we will have children. It is a blessing and a privilege but NOT a promise. I guess I have been dwelling on that a little too much lately because I am so afraid that I am going to miss out on that privilege and blessing. I know that if we don't get pregnant that yes it is possible that God will still bless us with children either through a miraculous pregnancy or adoption but I will know, for now, that we will continue to remain childless.
I kept a friends 2 month old one day last week and when Chris came home he said, "Now that's a sight I could get used to." because we were laying in the floor playing with Bella. It broke my heart because I don't know if we will ever see that.
While I don't know what God's will is for us in this situation I leave with this verse:
1 John 5:14
This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
Dear Lord,
You know the desires of my heart. It is to have a baby, a biological baby that I can feel kick in my womb and experience the birth of. A baby that it part of me and part of Chris. My heart aches for a baby, at times so bad it hurts. Please grant us this desire of BOTH our hearts. I have been mad at you lately because I am afraid that this will turn out the same way the last one did. I have seen so many negative pregnancy tests that I would probably think my eyes were deceiving me if I saw a positive. God I just know that no where in the Bible do you promise to give anyone children and I am afraid that that is what you will have planned for our lives and that is where my anger comes from. Please help me to not be angry and to not dwell on what we are going through right now. Help me to be an example to other people through all of this and bring them closer to you and not push then further from you. Again I ask that you please allow in vitro to work and bless us with a biological child.
Your servant,
Hope
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Attempt #2
Well I went to the doctor today to have an ultrasound to see if I had shed my uterine lining...and I have so we are now getting ready to do our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). My nurse will call me later this week with all the specifics but the tentative time for embryo transfer is the end of July beginning of August which will still be while I'm on vacation so that works perfectly.
I have been very anxious about doing this (FET), of course there aren't many things I'm not anxious about. At times I think we should forgo this process and just forget having kids. I like it just being me, Chris, and Bella (our dog). But then there are other times like today when I cry about the possibility of not having kids. Today I took my cousin to the free movie at a local theater and we watched The Polar Express. I cried at THAT movie thinking what if we never have a child to celebrate Christmas with or to convince that Santa is real or to teach about the true meaning of Christmas. I do LOVE my life the way it is but God has also given me a desire to be a mom.
For some reason I have a really hard time dealing with all of this in vitro stuff. All the times I took a pregnancy test or was late (once we were trying) I was never anxious at what the result would be. I was always hopeful for a positive pregnancy test, even though I have never seen one. But for some reason I get more hyped up when trying to get pregnant through in vitro. I think it's because it's something I can't control. We could spend all this money and end up with no babies. We could have one, two, or even three babies and the thought of having 3 or more scares me to death. Right now as I look at the possible outcomes I think I could handle twins but would really prefer just one if given a choice. I just worry about the changes of having a baby and the finances. When those babies multiply I worry that those things will just get worse.
My husband being the strong Godly man he is says there is no need to worry about it. If God gives us more than one He will provide a way for us to handle it financially. He also reminds me that we have made a commitment to our marriage and that God comes first, then our spouse, and then our children. He reminds me that we just have to keep that in perspective and we will make it. As much as I want to be a mommy the changes that come along with being a mommy also make me anxious. I DON'T like change. So all of those things combined make me a NERVOUS WRECK.
Again this is something that I NEED to DAILY give to the Lord. There are days, like today, when I don't want to do that though. It all boils down to the fact that I think I can handle my problems much better than God. I worry that there might be a detail somewhere He forgets. I know that God is omnipresent and that He really does have things under control and that He has NO surprises but yet I still can't relinquish control of everything to Him. He has proven time and time again that He is "in the details" but I still can't and won't give everything to Him. I just want something to snap one day and have an "AH HA" moment where I just willingly give everything over to Him but that's not the way it works. I have to pray consistently for God to help me do it and even more specifically that He would give me a desire to want to give Him control and I haven't done that. I'm scared to, quite honestly.Not because I think He doesn't know what He's doing but because I am afraid that the outcome won't be what I want it to be. What I want is not always God's will. There was a time when my brother was not living a Godly life and I would pray that God would help him realize that the way he was living was wrong but I could NEVER pray "do whatever it takes" to make him come back to you. I was to afraid he or someone else I was close to would get a terminal disease, my brother would realize his need to turn back to the Lord and that it would be because of how I prayed. At times I think that I am irreversibly screwed up but my sweet husband reminds me that I'm not and that I just have to learn to, as the saying goes, "let go and let God".
I have been very anxious about doing this (FET), of course there aren't many things I'm not anxious about. At times I think we should forgo this process and just forget having kids. I like it just being me, Chris, and Bella (our dog). But then there are other times like today when I cry about the possibility of not having kids. Today I took my cousin to the free movie at a local theater and we watched The Polar Express. I cried at THAT movie thinking what if we never have a child to celebrate Christmas with or to convince that Santa is real or to teach about the true meaning of Christmas. I do LOVE my life the way it is but God has also given me a desire to be a mom.
For some reason I have a really hard time dealing with all of this in vitro stuff. All the times I took a pregnancy test or was late (once we were trying) I was never anxious at what the result would be. I was always hopeful for a positive pregnancy test, even though I have never seen one. But for some reason I get more hyped up when trying to get pregnant through in vitro. I think it's because it's something I can't control. We could spend all this money and end up with no babies. We could have one, two, or even three babies and the thought of having 3 or more scares me to death. Right now as I look at the possible outcomes I think I could handle twins but would really prefer just one if given a choice. I just worry about the changes of having a baby and the finances. When those babies multiply I worry that those things will just get worse.
My husband being the strong Godly man he is says there is no need to worry about it. If God gives us more than one He will provide a way for us to handle it financially. He also reminds me that we have made a commitment to our marriage and that God comes first, then our spouse, and then our children. He reminds me that we just have to keep that in perspective and we will make it. As much as I want to be a mommy the changes that come along with being a mommy also make me anxious. I DON'T like change. So all of those things combined make me a NERVOUS WRECK.
Again this is something that I NEED to DAILY give to the Lord. There are days, like today, when I don't want to do that though. It all boils down to the fact that I think I can handle my problems much better than God. I worry that there might be a detail somewhere He forgets. I know that God is omnipresent and that He really does have things under control and that He has NO surprises but yet I still can't relinquish control of everything to Him. He has proven time and time again that He is "in the details" but I still can't and won't give everything to Him. I just want something to snap one day and have an "AH HA" moment where I just willingly give everything over to Him but that's not the way it works. I have to pray consistently for God to help me do it and even more specifically that He would give me a desire to want to give Him control and I haven't done that. I'm scared to, quite honestly.Not because I think He doesn't know what He's doing but because I am afraid that the outcome won't be what I want it to be. What I want is not always God's will. There was a time when my brother was not living a Godly life and I would pray that God would help him realize that the way he was living was wrong but I could NEVER pray "do whatever it takes" to make him come back to you. I was to afraid he or someone else I was close to would get a terminal disease, my brother would realize his need to turn back to the Lord and that it would be because of how I prayed. At times I think that I am irreversibly screwed up but my sweet husband reminds me that I'm not and that I just have to learn to, as the saying goes, "let go and let God".
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Just waiting...
When you have a failed in vitro the doctor likes for you to have your "aunt flo" at least one time naturally before you go on to do another cycle of in vitro. So we have been waiting, and waiting,and waiting. Mine, had it come 28 days after the last one should have already come almost 4 and a half weeks ago...but it didn't. I waited a couple of weeks and after taking 2 home pregnancy tests to make sure a miracle hadn't occurred, I called the doctor. I was called in a prescription for Prometrium. You are supposed to take this pill before you go to bed, which I did, but at 2:30 in the morning I woke up with horrible dizziness and shortness of breath. It was very reminiscent of a panic attack, which I have, but I know that wasn't what it was. So after playing phone tag with my nurse the following day I was called in another prescription for Provera. I, thankfully, did not have any side effects with this drug. I have been taking medicine to help my cycle start for 9 days now and I am beginning to see that it will start soon. Once it starts I call my nurse and I begin a two week regiment of birth control and then begin Lupron, and then my estrogen patches and progesterone shots. Once my cycle come full on it will be 6 weeks until we will be ready to try our last round of in vitro, which is technically called a frozen embryo transfer (FET).
We have 3 embryos that made it to blastocyst stage and were frozen. At my age protocol is to only use 2 of those. Through prayerful consideration and after also asking our prayer warriors to pray for us we have chosen to use all three. Partly for the finances of it all but also for the percentage of success with only using 1 embryo at a later date. I think this stresses my doctor out a little bit but he is willing to do it. He was just soooo surprised that our first in vitro didn't work and is convinced that this one is that he is afraid we will end up with more than one baby. The way he put it was that ideally they would prefer you to only have a singleton, twins are OK but triplets are a failure. Even though you are pregnant the risks associated with triplets are what deem it a failure.
As the time has been drawing nearer I have been having serious prayer times with God telling Him to please not give me at least one baby but not more than two. I tell Him, "I just don't think I can handle more than 2 babies at one time." "Lord, how expensive would 3 babies be. I mean I know you have provided for us to get pregnant but..." OK now here's my hangup. I seen God work in mysterious ways and He has totally provided for our needs even before we began trying to get pregnant but now it seems as though He has been even more since we have embarked on this adventure of in vitro. But yet I still limit His power. I think but what if He chooses not to help or is it possible that God can yet one more time want to help me. What have I done to deserve His help. In all actuality I have done nothing. Through common grace God chooses to bless me and provide for me and my family in situations that seem as though you won't make it through them.
My human sinful nature makes me think "I" can't handle this so maybe God can't either. I forget verse from the Bible like
Psalm 18:32-34: It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. or
Isaiah 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
So while I still do not know the outcome of our second and last attempt at in vitro, (will we be pregnant at all, will we be pregnant with 1, 2, or 3) I have to trust in the power of my God. For heaven's sake it is my God who parted the red sea in Exodus. It is my God who allowed Jonah to be swallowed by a whale and 3 days later be spit out on shore alive (story found in Jonah). It was my God who sent His one and only Son to die on a cross for my sin because He loved me so much He wishes that no one perish (2 Peter 3:9) so why would He not care about my situation and take care of me? In Matthew 6 it talks about how God feeds the birds of the air and clothes the lilies. How much more does He love me and want to take car of me.
While I know all this I easily fall back into my human nature of wanting control of it all. And I guess deep down worrying that God just might not pull through this time. Why do I do that??
Lord,
I know that you love me and I know that you take care of me. I also know that your plan for my life is better than any plan I could ever create. Will you please help me to push aside my anxiety and trust that with my whole heart?
We have 3 embryos that made it to blastocyst stage and were frozen. At my age protocol is to only use 2 of those. Through prayerful consideration and after also asking our prayer warriors to pray for us we have chosen to use all three. Partly for the finances of it all but also for the percentage of success with only using 1 embryo at a later date. I think this stresses my doctor out a little bit but he is willing to do it. He was just soooo surprised that our first in vitro didn't work and is convinced that this one is that he is afraid we will end up with more than one baby. The way he put it was that ideally they would prefer you to only have a singleton, twins are OK but triplets are a failure. Even though you are pregnant the risks associated with triplets are what deem it a failure.
As the time has been drawing nearer I have been having serious prayer times with God telling Him to please not give me at least one baby but not more than two. I tell Him, "I just don't think I can handle more than 2 babies at one time." "Lord, how expensive would 3 babies be. I mean I know you have provided for us to get pregnant but..." OK now here's my hangup. I seen God work in mysterious ways and He has totally provided for our needs even before we began trying to get pregnant but now it seems as though He has been even more since we have embarked on this adventure of in vitro. But yet I still limit His power. I think but what if He chooses not to help or is it possible that God can yet one more time want to help me. What have I done to deserve His help. In all actuality I have done nothing. Through common grace God chooses to bless me and provide for me and my family in situations that seem as though you won't make it through them.
My human sinful nature makes me think "I" can't handle this so maybe God can't either. I forget verse from the Bible like
Psalm 18:32-34: It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. or
Isaiah 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
So while I still do not know the outcome of our second and last attempt at in vitro, (will we be pregnant at all, will we be pregnant with 1, 2, or 3) I have to trust in the power of my God. For heaven's sake it is my God who parted the red sea in Exodus. It is my God who allowed Jonah to be swallowed by a whale and 3 days later be spit out on shore alive (story found in Jonah). It was my God who sent His one and only Son to die on a cross for my sin because He loved me so much He wishes that no one perish (2 Peter 3:9) so why would He not care about my situation and take care of me? In Matthew 6 it talks about how God feeds the birds of the air and clothes the lilies. How much more does He love me and want to take car of me.
While I know all this I easily fall back into my human nature of wanting control of it all. And I guess deep down worrying that God just might not pull through this time. Why do I do that??
Lord,
I know that you love me and I know that you take care of me. I also know that your plan for my life is better than any plan I could ever create. Will you please help me to push aside my anxiety and trust that with my whole heart?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Surprise gift
My husband, Chris, attended a bible study a few weeks ago when he was off one Friday morning. Apparently he shared with that small group of men what was going on in our lives. A week later the guy that he went to bible study with called and said he had an envelope from one of the guys at the bible study. Chris went and met our friends and got the envelope. When he got home he showed it to me. A guy he had only met once and I had never met felt led by God to contribute monetarily towards our efforts at expanding our family. I couldn't believe it. I knew where it had come from (God) but I couldn't believe that He would lead someone to help us in that way.
Today I was thinking about children and even though I had seen God provide n that way I was thinking, "If our second attempt at in vitro doesn't work how in the WORLD will be able to adopt???" Why is it that I limit my God, a God who can do anything?? He is perfectly capable of working out the details. I know that he will because He did not give me the strong desire to be a mom and Chris a dad if He did not plan on fulfilling that desire somehow. Even though God has many times provided for Chris and I, not just monetarily, I still have difficulty fully trusting He has everything under control and can handle EVERYTHING. Why is that? My desire to control things I believe. I look at situations with my human eyes and with those there are many things that seem WAY to big to handle. But if only I would look at things through God's lenses I would see that nothing it too big for Him to take care of.
Today I was thinking about children and even though I had seen God provide n that way I was thinking, "If our second attempt at in vitro doesn't work how in the WORLD will be able to adopt???" Why is it that I limit my God, a God who can do anything?? He is perfectly capable of working out the details. I know that he will because He did not give me the strong desire to be a mom and Chris a dad if He did not plan on fulfilling that desire somehow. Even though God has many times provided for Chris and I, not just monetarily, I still have difficulty fully trusting He has everything under control and can handle EVERYTHING. Why is that? My desire to control things I believe. I look at situations with my human eyes and with those there are many things that seem WAY to big to handle. But if only I would look at things through God's lenses I would see that nothing it too big for Him to take care of.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
2 years, 3 months
I titled my blog as I did because that is how long we have been facing our infertility struggle. I have debated for a long time whether I should blog about this or not but I have decided to.
When you get married you just automatically assume when you are ready to have kids it will just happen. That's just the natural progression of things. You know how long you want to wait before you have children (for us it was 5 years, but we got overly anxious and only waited 4) and then"bam" you are pregnant and nine months later your baby arrives. I have learned that this is not quite the case. So today as I share we have been waiting for our baby for 2 years and 3 months and have not yet had good news.
Before I go any further I do want to say that I am a born-again, devout follower of Christ. At the age of 8 I told God that I knew I was a sinner, I believed that He had sent His perfect Son to die on a cross for MY sins and that He rose again on the third day. I invited Him to live in my heart and forever be my Lord and Savior. Why do I write this? I want anyone who reads this to know that He is the only way my husband and I have gotten through this valley in our lives. Just because I'm a Christian does that mean that I haven't gotten mad at God? Absolutely not!! Does He expect me not to? Of course not!! He made us human and He created us to have feelings.
So it goes without saying the Christian walk has its valleys and it has its mountain top experiences. Even though we are going through a valley God is still King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is not surprised by this and he has sent precious people on Earth to love on us during this difficult time.
When you get married you just automatically assume when you are ready to have kids it will just happen. That's just the natural progression of things. You know how long you want to wait before you have children (for us it was 5 years, but we got overly anxious and only waited 4) and then"bam" you are pregnant and nine months later your baby arrives. I have learned that this is not quite the case. So today as I share we have been waiting for our baby for 2 years and 3 months and have not yet had good news.
Before I go any further I do want to say that I am a born-again, devout follower of Christ. At the age of 8 I told God that I knew I was a sinner, I believed that He had sent His perfect Son to die on a cross for MY sins and that He rose again on the third day. I invited Him to live in my heart and forever be my Lord and Savior. Why do I write this? I want anyone who reads this to know that He is the only way my husband and I have gotten through this valley in our lives. Just because I'm a Christian does that mean that I haven't gotten mad at God? Absolutely not!! Does He expect me not to? Of course not!! He made us human and He created us to have feelings.
So it goes without saying the Christian walk has its valleys and it has its mountain top experiences. Even though we are going through a valley God is still King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is not surprised by this and he has sent precious people on Earth to love on us during this difficult time.
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